senduQ

mind entropy of the ethiofrican

When I’m Back

16 April, 2010 | 23 comments | Category: Africa, I.dentity, i.mmigration, nation & ethnicity, nostalgia.personal, Senduq - E!

by E!

It is now 12:07 AM. I just had a brief conversation with tsepeaces and another Berkye SenduQawit. I managed to get out of the conversation in time for me to wash the dishes my friend and I used. Poor fellow had to eat a vegan dinner because I am fasting. I know I am not supposed to brag about lent, especially not announce it on a BLOG that is getting hot by the minute. UMMM but opportunities like this arise very rarely in my side of town.  May be my deacon friend will actually make note of the fact that I am fasting and inform Abba (of course with out my consent) and may be, Abba will reduce my segdet from 75 to 45 for the coming Fasika and the next few Fasikas I will actually spend in this town.

I have a vague suspicion that I am a hot commodity in the virtual world, because everyone wants to hear my stories from home. After all, what is better than a friend who just arrived from Addis Ababa? Of course it’s a bonus, if the friend came with teff injera and she updates you about so and so’s wedding while you take a huge gorsha of teff ingera with WZO X’s ebed yale key wet? Errre I should not have such HODE-related ideas in the first week of tsome (My deacon friend decrees such thoughts at this time of the year).

It has also become Ye Addebabye Mistere that I have very weak resistance le addis ababa goremsoch…and hence (I assume that she assumed) my three weeks stay would be full of drama. Well, Not Really. Mr. S has done un-repairable damage to my dating appetite. And besides, STD rates are on the rise eytebale yeweral. Of course, the person who gave me this info is a major ye’addis ababa dureye and he even challenged me to disprove this hypothesis. He said,  “as an aspiring scientist you should do a practical hypothesis testing”. Imagine my surprise when I heard this from Elem yale dureye negAde ….what y’know about hypothesis testing and scientific research? The hypothesis still remains untested…anyways we should move on, after all this is a well-respected blog. There are still some who constantly mistake ME for chewa & anget defi so let me not ruin their presumption.

I wanted to go home desperately because I wanted to confirm that home still exists.  As much as I love and appreciate my life here, I feel as if something is missing (May be something or someone is actually missing but that by itself calls for another entry). I have this nagging feeling of emptiness. I constantly reminded my self that my life here is temporary, I should not get too comfortable here because this is not home. Ethiopia is home. Or is it not? I had three weeks to find out.

When I arrived at the Bole International airport my mom was the first person I saw, she was holding a gorgeous bouquet of flowers.  She did not see me until I was steps away from her. The expression on her face when she saw me was priceless. I realized how much I have missed my mom when I saw her with flowers in her hands, lost in deep thought. My mother looked so much darker than I remembered, it has been two years since I last saw her, but within those two years, my mother has aged rapidly. She still looks very young for her age, but she has changed considerably.

The three weeks went by so fast and we were once again at the Bole international airport, this time at the departure section. I managed to send my luggage and I went to the airport café where my parents and brother were waiting. We sat in the café for a while until my brother finally rose from his chair and announced that it was time. It was past mid night and both my parents looked very exhausted. I knew another Goodbye was imminent.  I gave each one of them a hug, and watched my father and brother escort my mom who was sobbing quietly.

I arrived at the airport in my city on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I quickly collected my luggage, and left the arrival section. There was no one waiting for me at the airport. There were no flowers, kisses or hugs, not even a handshake. My heart sunk a bit lower with this realization, but I was nonetheless happy to be “home”. My apartment looked much bigger, sunnier and cleaner than I remembered. I realized how much I have missed its coziness, quietness and spaciousness. I went out and bought a calling card to tell my parents that I have arrived safely. I called a few friends to let them know that I am in town. I unpacked, took a hot long bath and then went out on my balcony and drew in a lung full of crisp winter air….euffoy and oddly enough it felt good to be back.

I was not able to permanently address this “empty” feeling, that I always had since I set a foot in North America. But I was able to understand why I constantly have that feeling. This “empty” feeling is due to lack of genuine love, attention and laughter I took for granted in Ethiopia. Over the seven years I have been here, besides a few good friends I have been all-alone. It is a dangerous realization but with all honesty, very few people would notice if I went missing or dead. So, this “constant feeling of emptiness” is also known to many as “loneliness”.

I have been back from my trip for over a month. I have now made peace with “loneliness” and we have made unwritten convention that it will occupy a small corner in my life. It will NOT take over completely; make me move to another city or date un-dateable guys. I will NOT deny its existence. “Loneliness” and me shook hands and sealed the deal, with out shemagelas, eyewitnesses or lawyers. I looked at a framed picture of my parents for approval. They smiled, so I guessed they also approve.

My trip has given me an opportunity to re-connect with family and friends. I especially had a fabulous time with my cousin with whom I shared great childhood memories. He was drifting away from my life and it felt righteous to place him back in my life (and this time permanently). It was also nice to see how some of my friends have become so successful and dedicated to their careers. Since most people do not work for more than a few hours a day, it was refreshing to see such commitment and persistence. I had an opportunity to go to ANde Yemengist mesribete to get some paper work done and we had to go multiple times during office hours to get very simple and basic service. There are lots of incompetent and lazy people and they demand loads of patience.

I closed my eyes and thought about my mother deep in thought, holding the beautiful bouquet. Another thought came, my parents, brother and I at the airport café. Sandwiched between the two, I had unbelievably beautiful time. It was a fabulous vacation and it made me realize that I am lonely but also happy here. I can handle loneliness. Surely, I have developed a thick skin over the course of seven years – I have lived alone after all. I also love the life I have created for myself here; I am in a setting that challenges me intellectually and emotionally. I have chosen this life for me and I must live it unapologetically. But yes, Ethiopia also has a room for me and I can go back to it whenever I am ready. For now though, “loneliness” and I will coexist.

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