Flattery: Fast-tracking Success?
1 February, 2010 | 13 comments | Category: Relationships, Senduq- Semhal, Uncategorized, iPerceive, nostalgia.personal, thinking...
photocredit: tsepeaces
by senduQ blogger Semhal
Schmoozers or Ass-kissers …most of us have been drawn to such crowds at some point in our lives. I don’t know how they do it…become magnets of long lines of insecure ambitious people like myself (every now and then) who get convinced that success is only for those who are expert artists of sucking up. I have to admit, I can be too nice to people at times especially when I’m dealing with people seated higher in the job hierarchy. But I have recently become more self-aware of this habit especially after I received some veiled criticisms about this from my dad who noticed my tendency to “worship” my boss. This newfound awareness convicted me every time I gave one of my fake smiles or exaggerated compliments.
So as a new year resolution, I decided to work my way out of this habit even if it means risking the climb up the ladder in the job market. It was a conscious decision that I made. One of the big steps in accomplishing my goal was to choose my acquaintances carefully because you know what they say “evil company corrupts good habits.” I don’t want to boast but I was doing pretty well until…
A few weeks ago, I made a trip to Atlanta for a conference. There were many esteemed people in my field of work, people I would love to work for after graduation. I was fortunate enough to meet some great people who are doing incredible work all around the world. Unfortunately, I also crossed paths with the overt schmoozers: people who would say and do anything to be part of the “IT” crowd. They talk like they have “your back” but they are neither your friends nor confidants. They are polite and politically correct and have the appearance of doing everything effortlessly: but when they get a chance, they will sell you out at any price. I felt obliged to join their group since the person I came with had quickly befriended them (ye habesha yilugntaye:) ~ politeness). So I listened to their gossip about who has more funding or who has more publications or who gave who a face …all day
After 12 hrs of flight and 8 hours of gossip, I was ready to retire for the night so I respectfully declined their invitation to accompany them to the bar. That’s when one of the girls said “You know it is who you know not what you know. If you are not going to come and hang out, you might as well not have come.”
I would normally scratch that, roll my eyes and go on my merry way but I could not help but wonder if there was some truth in this. In today’s society has the value of hard work been compromised? Are people losing faith in the value of hard work? When I think about people who have made significant differences in the world, they have always walked alone, they were even outcasts. Think about Jesus and how he was out-casted by his people, yet isn’t it extraordinary that the life of Jesus thousands of years after his birth should move a sane soul this way? Why do we then roll our eyes to the heavens when we come across people who walk in paths different than ours? I mean let’s get real people…everything is earned…you cannot learn French in 40 hours or calculus in one afternoon no matter how much you click with the teacher. It doesn’t matter if you have the most intelligent conversation with the CEO, at the end of the day if you do not know what you need to know, you may get the job but you can’t keep it. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against networking: you cannot make a difference in anyone’s life if you lock your self in your room all day. But the foundation of success is your ability and confidence to do the work well: At the end of the day it IS what you know not who you know.
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13 comments to “Flattery: Fast-tracking Success?”
Sofi, February 1st, 2010 at 11:05 pm:
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Tell me about it!! I’m fighting the same demons Semhal…so did you end up going to the bar?
When you think about it, you’ve assets to sell, and you’d want to do it in such a way that would not only do justice to what you actually have to offer but also in a way that’d let you go to sleep with a smile and look at yourself in the mirror with a smile. In a society that is so ego-centric, the loud, the fake, the ego stroker and the kiss ass drown out the gentle voice of the polite, the respectful, the honest and the friendly…but at the end of the day, goodness triumphs. It is what you know that matters…eventually that will be the ultimate magnet, not the flattering tongue!
hubert, February 2nd, 2010 at 3:54 am:
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your post is
true
and perfect
thank you for thish
Doe, February 3rd, 2010 at 3:12 pm:
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A combination of the two(hard work and fawning)seems to be the more practical(not necessarily the more respectable)way to get ahead…I saw an article on this very subject on this website :
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=flattery-will-get-you-farThis is basically the gist of the article,
“susceptibility to flattery stemmed from a simple desire to feel good about themselves. Indeed, we hold ourselves in high esteem, a phenomenon known as the above-average effect. Ask a group of people how good they are at driving, chances are they will all consider themselves to be above the mean. Of course, this is statistically unlikely. So, it is not surprising that we are particularly receptive to messages consistent with such a rosy-eyed view of our abilities and characteristics. We may dismiss it offhand when a subordinate compliments our new haircut, but deep down we’re thinking, “You know what? I do look good”.”
Semhal, February 3rd, 2010 at 3:17 pm:
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Sofi…well said, goodness always triumphs in the long run!!! and no i didn’t end up going to the bar of course:)
hubert thnx for the love
FabayNGO, February 4th, 2010 at 2:18 pm:
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“You know it is who you know not what you know. If you are not going to come and hang out, you might as well not have come.” I have heard this sooo many times and I hate to say it but there is some truth to that!
Sofi, February 5th, 2010 at 4:46 pm:
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Doyo, thanks for the link…it’s an interesting read
ei ei, February 6th, 2010 at 5:15 pm:
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i am on the impression that “hard working and great insight” is the rule for success in science, but over years in grad school, i had heard from my lab members and from professors in school about “all the politics ” in the scientific community and disappointed me a lot…i hope i will not have to encounter one in my future career
Semhal, February 8th, 2010 at 8:23 am:
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Very interesting arguments you guys…
It is true that you can be smart, hardworking and a schmoozer and make it to the top….but I have not met or heard of any Schmoozer who has touched lives in a positive way or made it to the list of respectable people in history. Ass-kissing and becoming a person of integrity are mutually exclusive. Being a schmoozer is also a symptom of other moral corruptions in the person (it makes you wonder how far the person will go for…say a promotion next time)…so i don’t feel good about integrating genuine success and ass-kissing.
so i guess it all comes down to what your definition of success is: Do you guys count “praise, big savings acct,Big job title, nice office and a promotion that lack moral accountabilty” a success?
Dinich, February 9th, 2010 at 4:26 pm:
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Semhal,
It is interesting how right now I am trying to do the exact opposite of what u sayin here. Most of ma professional life I played zero politics. To some extent it worked. U gain respect and also good bosses really notice who works hard and who can be trusted. So, if you have the right kind of boss, you dont have to suck up. In fact if u do ur job and dont suck up and stay confident, u win in the long run.
So, I agree that nothing beats hard work. But I think I have learned that you have to build some relationships in order to showcase what you are worth especially to people who dont work closely with you such as your bosses boss, or that VP you would like to work for etc….
Semhal, February 11th, 2010 at 1:58 am:
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Dinich (nice nick btw:)
I also agree that networking is important: but there is a fine line between schmoozing and networking don’t you think? Sincere and genuine networking will gain you respect and enable you to KEEP your job without fear:)
Nani, February 11th, 2010 at 5:46 am:
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I think Visibility combined with hard work is the key. If you work your head off and are too humble to take the credit, you’ll be the ‘loser’ in the end. There is nothing wrong with claiming the credit for what you rightly worked for. Us habeshoch have a bad/good habit of exercising too much humility at times it just simply doesn’t work in the Western world. But I agree schmoozers are losers, at least in the long run. Even if they get the credit now, eventually their exaggerated image and dressed up accomplishments will come back to haunt them. Which is not to say that you shouldn’t be a schmoozer simply because of fear of long term loserness, but I think we should all have individual principles that we believe in, and for me Schmoozerness is among the worst characters in people
Good piece Semhal!
mister_mayhem, February 14th, 2010 at 4:29 pm:
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yes it IS what you know… but thats where it ends
appreciate that in any theatre of life…politics, work, social circle…etc. people seek power. rarely overtly as our society wants us to be these gregarious congenial types. natural for myself and perhaps you because of our shared cultural background. (a beautiful thing) ok so here’s where i’m going…
you don’t schmooze. but they schmooze. they play the “game”. maybe you resign to the protestant work ethic (dare i say the habesha work ethic) work hard, goto school, get a good job, keep my head down, etc. (generalizations) you become brilliant in your field… your work produces accolades,millions,whatever. others take the credit. i’ve seen this time and time again. countless inventors have had their work stolen. edison vs. tesla.
understand the deviousness of these people. don’t let NOT shmoozing hinder your aspirations.all within ones own morality and ethics. but remember not everyone shares your ethics.
“There is nothing very odd about lambs disliking birds of prey, but this is no reason for holding it against large birds of prey that they carry off lambs. And when the lambs whisper among themselves, “These birds of prey are evil, and does this not give us a right to say that whatever is the opposite of a bird of prey must be good?” there is nothing intrinsically wrong with such an argument – though the birds of prey will look somewhat quizzically and say, “We have nothing against these good lambs; in fact, we love them; nothing tastes better than a tender lamb.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
don’t be dinner
tsepeaces, March 4th, 2010 at 9:46 pm:
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there is this weird thing with having been born to be humble in ethiopian society that I find it out of my comfort zone sometimes to schmooze or brag… those are things people pick on in ethiopia right? funny how cultures are different.
But overall, it also becomes a matter of ur own accountability to yourself – if you are doing work you really do care about, then it’s not only about pleasing your boss but also producing the best quality work that you can…now the question becomes how do u get the recognition for the work. and for that i agree with a lot of people who already commented. you have to be able to sell yourself/your product to get people to pay attention to you but then your work and your product will have to alsooo speak for itself!