Eventually, even this mass of messes is crumbling and it seems less people than ever are actually “dating” in college campuses but still “hook up” a lot (you might wonder – does the real world reflect college?). And there is countless periodic “the state of marriage” media commentary coming out lately. Lamenting:  Is it obsolete? What’s the point anyway? Well, let the gays have it since they seem to want it more than straights with those 50% (?) divorce rates… And then the fairytale and romantic comedy myths enter; on cue – princesses, villains, happily ever afters all in the midst of a hyper-sexed culture & porn: sex sells, how long has it been since you got laid, booty calls, f**k buddies, friends with benefits…is your head whirling yet? I present to you some of the slush that swirls around in the mind of a young-something modern-day dater.

PLUS

My mind swimming in the depth of this, something hit me amidst my “is there a spark” vs. “he’s such a great guy” battle: in all this hoopla I am totally missing out on getting to know an awesome human being! And that was a big light bulb moment for me because in the long run, as a dater, the current dating dynamic does not serve my purposes at all! *blinks* *wtf* I absolutely love friendships — I mean the real kind that nourish your soul & spirit. A relationship – in my mind – would be an extension of that because all I really want is someone that I’m supremely attracted to & can be intimate with but then can spend a lot of time with & connect with on many other realms; usually the realms for friends but obviously so much more. I mean, I really gotta like you to wanna date you is what it comes down to. In other words, if I don’t want to be your friend, why would I want to date you? Unless – I like you so much that I would want to avoid putting both of us through this chaotic dating process which we might come out of being total strangers who will never speak to each other again under the sun. Oy Vey!

The ironic part is – for the most part – there’s no safe space or way to explore a low key “multifaceted” connection with someone based on who they are as a human because both of us seem to get yanked into some Act 4 Scene 2 of a dating skit and we jump on that carousel of “am I being needy to be texting him 4 times today?” dilemma. I mean seriously?? No really, that’s a serious question… I have much better things to do than wasting time contemplating the lines in this play especially when I won’t even get to access the human being for who he is and form a real kind of connection with him vs. the “alpha male” “nice guy” “successful guy” “funny guy” “mr. mysterious” or whatever persona he’s playing to impress! And all this simply cos we got or will get “physical”? While on the flip side I’m wondering if he’s scheming how to get into my pants? Excuse me while my jaw drops….  *sigh* I realize some might enjoy all of this fanfare but honestly — life’s teeming and so ripe for living and I ain’t particularly interested unless in “building a genuine connection” to let the fanfare mess up my hair or waste my time! I could completely do without all the fan fare and simply build the connection if I had the choice.

Prototype

A few conversations with friends got me thinking… I like the unassuming, casual way that friendships form and build without people having to be ‘on guard’ or ‘on point’ or anything else except fully themselves. And that is the reason the authentic friend connections can build in a natural progression. How awesome would it be if you can get to know a person for who they are without the bells and whistles, without the expectations and constraints and “skits” “soundtracks” etc. In the “get to know you” phase, all of these could be fully suspended with 100% focus on getting to know a person with an understanding that you could become friends, acquaintances, lovers, dating etc. This way we’re not in the “put on” business obsessing about “putting out” while tip toeing around what could “put off” the other person … phew! And in the end you might end up with a connection of some sort rather than a loathsome or loathed ex…

I wanna call it prototype FriendshipPlus — a step to be inserted at the beginning of the process when meeting & greeting. It’s essentially an understanding that the connection could go on to be a friendship, acquaintance & even more awesomely — a dating situation. That is, as long as both people are cognizant, honest and open with no expectations. In the best case scenario, the suspension of expectations and constraints would lower guards, create a safe space and allow a human-to-human connection minus all the crazy fanfare flying around two people courtesy of the dating world. Am I crazy to think this would be awesome??