senduQ

mind entropy of the ethiofrican

FrendshipPLUS: Scrap the Dating Fanfare for a Genuine Connection

5 January, 2012 | No comments | Category: dating, Relationships

 

Dating, Mating, Texting, Sexing, Sexting, Meat marketing.

It’s Wednesday night, you’re waiting for the Qonjit you met at that swanky jazz spot on Friday Night to call you back – she seemed into the music but way more into you. I mean, you were exchanging smoldering looks over that candle while you argued about the origin of jazz and the African roots that seeped in from beats in Blues and Gospel and the Latin beats that also happen to have some African flavor and on and on with the rumble & thump of that jazz bass, low and deep…

On the flip side – in a parallel plane, two Saturday nights ago she got stuck with the friend of a friend who seemed to drop interesting insights about the business scene in Addis, ideas that had sunk into her mind as they caused her to pause and reflect, even squint a little bit and think ‘Hm, he seems interesting!’. But then her friend’s birthday party turned upbeat & as the music came on, it wasn’t just his ideas that were sinking into different parts of her body; causing her to pause and repel! And so it goes — daram paramp pam… the parade of days in Modern day dating. Last month you were fawning over “never gonna call you” and over-analyzing your “Ms/Mr Unavailable,” and in a few weeks you’re the one narrowing your eyes as someone asks you for a dinner as you wonder “will I be leading her/him on if…”
Chaotic Romantic Comedy

At best it feels haphazard, at the most comedic it feels like a pre-set skit complete with stage design, costumes, sound effects and bloopers. Modern-day dating and its tentacles wrapping up your limbs guiding you to act one way or another be it by “The Rules” or according to “The Game” you learned as pearls of wisdom from that “Pick-Up Artist” book. Waiting three days to call? Does he just want to get into your pants? Is she here to enjoy a free meal? Why is it so hard to shrug off that ‘on again/off again’ ex? Did she just downgrade you to the “friend zone”? Do you have to ‘put out’ on the 5th date? Is he interested, or collecting ego notches? Why do all the nice girls like the bad boys? Why are all the hot good guys taken or gay? An on and on and on…

Eventually, even this mass of messes is crumbling and it seems less people than ever are actually “dating” in college campuses but still “hook up” a lot (you might wonder – does the real world reflect college?). And there is countless periodic “the state of marriage” media commentary coming out lately. Lamenting:  Is it obsolete? What’s the point anyway? Well, let the gays have it since they seem to want it more than straights with those 50% (?) divorce rates… And then the fairytale and romantic comedy myths enter; on cue – princesses, villains, happily ever afters all in the midst of a hyper-sexed culture & porn: sex sells, how long has it been since you got laid, booty calls, f**k buddies, friends with benefits…is your head whirling yet? I present to you some of the slush that swirls around in the mind of a young-something modern-day dater.

PLUS

My mind swimming in the depth of this, something hit me amidst my “is there a spark” vs. “he’s such a great guy” battle: in all this hoopla I am totally missing out on getting to know an awesome human being! And that was a big light bulb moment for me because in the long run, as a dater, the current dating dynamic does not serve my purposes at all! *blinks* *wtf* I absolutely love friendships — I mean the real kind that nourish your soul & spirit. A relationship – in my mind – would be an extension of that because all I really want is someone that I’m supremely attracted to & can be intimate with but then can spend a lot of time with & connect with on many other realms; usually the realms for friends but obviously so much more. I mean, I really gotta like you to wanna date you is what it comes down to. In other words, if I don’t want to be your friend, why would I want to date you? Unless – I like you so much that I would want to avoid putting both of us through this chaotic dating process which we might come out of being total strangers who will never speak to each other again under the sun. Oy Vey!

The ironic part is – for the most part – there’s no safe space or way to explore a low key “multifaceted” connection with someone based on who they are as a human because both of us seem to get yanked into some Act 4 Scene 2 of a dating skit and we jump on that carousel of “am I being needy to be texting him 4 times today?” dilemma. I mean seriously?? No really, that’s a serious question… I have much better things to do than wasting time contemplating the lines in this play especially when I won’t even get to access the human being for who he is and form a real kind of connection with him vs. the “alpha male” “nice guy” “successful guy” “funny guy” “mr. mysterious” or whatever persona he’s playing to impress! And all this simply cos we got or will get “physical”? While on the flip side I’m wondering if he’s scheming how to get into my pants? Excuse me while my jaw drops….  *sigh* I realize some might enjoy all of this fanfare but honestly — life’s teeming and so ripe for living and I ain’t particularly interested unless in “building a genuine connection” to let the fanfare mess up my hair or waste my time! I could completely do without all the fan fare and simply build the connection if I had the choice.

Prototype

A few conversations with friends got me thinking… I like the unassuming, casual way that friendships form and build without people having to be ‘on guard’ or ‘on point’ or anything else except fully themselves. And that is the reason the authentic friend connections can build in a natural progression. How awesome would it be if you can get to know a person for who they are without the bells and whistles, without the expectations and constraints and “skits” “soundtracks” etc. In the “get to know you” phase, all of these could be fully suspended with 100% focus on getting to know a person with an understanding that you could become friends, acquaintances, lovers, dating etc. This way we’re not in the “put on” business obsessing about “putting out” while tip toeing around what could “put off” the other person … phew! And in the end you might end up with a connection of some sort rather than a loathsome or loathed ex…

I wanna call it prototype FriendshipPlus — a step to be inserted at the beginning of the process when meeting & greeting. It’s essentially an understanding that the connection could go on to be a friendship, acquaintance & even more awesomely — a dating situation. That is, as long as both people are cognizant, honest and open with no expectations. In the best case scenario, the suspension of expectations and constraints would lower guards, create a safe space and allow a human-to-human connection minus all the crazy fanfare flying around two people courtesy of the dating world. Am I crazy to think this would be awesome??

Possibly Related Posts:


Flattery: Fast-tracking Success?

1 February, 2010 | 13 comments | Category: iPerceive, nostalgia.personal, Relationships, Senduq- Semhal, thinking..., Uncategorized

photocredit: tsepeaces

by senduQ blogger Semhal

Schmoozers or Ass-kissers …most of us have been drawn to such crowds at some point in our lives. I don’t know how they do it…become magnets of long lines of insecure ambitious people like myself (every now and then) who get convinced that success is only for those who are expert artists of sucking up. I have to admit, I can be too nice to people at times especially when I’m dealing with people seated higher in the job hierarchy.  But I have recently become more self-aware of this habit especially after I received some veiled criticisms about this from my dad who noticed my tendency to “worship” my boss. This newfound awareness  convicted me every time I gave one of my fake smiles or exaggerated compliments.

So as a new year resolution, I decided to work my way out of this habit even if it means risking the climb up the ladder in the job market. It was a conscious decision that I made. One of the big steps in accomplishing my goal was to choose my acquaintances carefully because you know what they say “evil company corrupts good habits.” I don’t want to boast but I was doing pretty well until…

A few weeks ago, I made a trip to Atlanta for a conference. There were many esteemed people in my field of work, people I would love to work for after graduation. I was fortunate enough to meet some great people who are doing incredible work all around the world. Unfortunately, I also crossed paths with the overt schmoozers: people who would say and do anything to be part of the “IT” crowd. They talk like they have “your back” but they are neither your friends nor confidants. They are polite and politically correct and have the appearance of doing everything effortlessly: but when they get a chance, they will sell you out at any price. I felt obliged to join their group since the person I came with had quickly befriended them (ye habesha yilugntaye:) ~ politeness). So I listened to their gossip about who has more funding or who has more publications or who gave who a face …all day

After 12 hrs of flight and 8 hours of gossip, I was ready to retire for the night so I respectfully declined their invitation to accompany them to the bar. That’s when one of the girls said “You know it is who you know not what you know. If you are not going to come and hang out, you might as well not have come.”

I would normally scratch that, roll my eyes and go on my merry way but I could not help but wonder if there was some truth in this. In today’s society has the value of hard work been compromised? Are people losing faith in the value of hard work? When I think about people who have made significant differences in the world, they have always walked alone, they were even outcasts. Think about Jesus and how he was out-casted by his people, yet isn’t it extraordinary that the life of Jesus thousands of years after his birth should move a sane soul this way? Why do we then roll our eyes to the heavens when we come across people who walk in paths different than ours? I mean let’s get real people…everything is earned…you cannot learn French in 40 hours or calculus in one afternoon no matter how much you click with the teacher. It doesn’t matter if you have the most intelligent conversation with the CEO, at the end of the day if you do not know what you need to know, you may get the job but you can’t keep it. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against networking: you cannot make a difference in anyone’s life if you lock your self in your room all day. But the foundation of success is your ability and confidence to do the work well: At the end of the day it IS what you know not who you know.

Possibly Related Posts:


Mars versus Venus

13 March, 2009 | 13 comments | Category: dating, Relationships, sex

Eve ~~ is our next new writer with some feisty unapologetic, no-holds-barred commentary on dating, sex, guys, gals and the mystical world between physiology and emotions within the universe of love. The aspiring physician brings her first ‘senduQ Sex Journal’ Entry…

In her words: “We call this section our little sexy journal~dairy. Here, we’ll take down some facts and thoughts on, dating, sex, gender and relationships. We also gossip about why we love guys, why we hate guys, why some of us are single (ahhemm cuz all the guys around are kinda useless ?), why we like to stay single, why the rest of us are happy with those fools, why we are not ready to settle for less than our prince charming, why we believe in soul mates, why we don’t believe in soul mates (just mates)…the list goes on. Our ideas range from silly and humorous to serious and soulful… …”

diarycoarsecompressed

——————————————————————————————————————————-

So I decided it would be best to start with something bold to break the sex diary ice. I will list some comparisons of body biology and chemistry of men and women. So I’d say it’s probably time to wonder about one’s real sexuality if any of the symptoms listed under the opposite sex apply to you haha *wink

Men (Mars)

  1. Among primates, man has the largest and thickest penis.
  2. Studies show that, for some unknown reason, the higher the level of education, the more men tend to have wet dreams.
  3. The male fetus is capable of attaining an erection during the last trimester (a.k.a men are pervs even before birth)
  4. Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60% (do you think the rest 40% are telling the truth?)
  5. Average # of erections per day for a man: 11 ( seriously ewwwww)
  6. Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds (surprise surprise…)

Ladies (Venus)

  1. Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than those with only a Bachelor’s degree ( hmmm…one might wonder what they teach the ladies in graduate school)
  2. A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller due to the release of endorphins (ladies don’t use headaches as an excuse to not have sex….just say N-O!!!)
  3. The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from our skin to our brain is about 156 miles per hour (hot dammm.. that is about 1/5 of the speed of sound)
  4. About 65% of American women masturbate
  5. According to Penthouse magazine, more women complain about infrequent sex than men do
  6. 19% of women think about sex everyday or several times a day.

    7. Obviously, it is hard to generalize and give any conclusive insights about the difference between men and woman as far as sex is concerned. In my opinion, both guys and girls want sex really really bad but woman are shyer acting upon it. I really think woman operate their innate self-control more than men do. Why? Well, biologically speaking, evolution built men to be more dominant and thus more aggressive, while woman have more of a maternal subtlety about them. Society also plays a role by encouraging boys to be tougher and rougher. Even at an early age, boys play with superman and toy guns while little girls dress their Barbies and have tea parties. So could it be because of the Y chromosome or does society play a role? Is it true that men are more sexoholic than woman? Why do women find masturbating so strange (I know most of my girlfriends do)? …Well you be the judge.

Possibly Related Posts:


Interracial Dating…

5 March, 2009 | 38 comments | Category: Relationships, Senduq- Semhal, thinking...

t.peace mentioned that I will be one of the ‘new senduQ writers’ and that I will dabble in topics like dating, friendships, family, gender and other pieces of the frenzy that make up relationships…I will also write about other topics that strike my fancy like health to mix it up…I hope you will enjoy and share your thoughts! ~~ Semhal

AX077802

photocredit: Fazy@flickr

“The Ethiopian Girl”

I… hate being cornered as the Ethiopian girl. I identify myself as a human being, a citizen of the world. I hate the culture of identifying ourselves in a nutshell based on geography or color. I believe that God created all of us in different colors, heights, hair textures all in his image to glorify him. As human beings, we are expected to see past this and love each other. If you want to be with someone, it is because you love him/her for the way he/she makes you feel: it should have nothing to do with color or race. I have had my share of interracial dating myself and my experiences have changed my life forever. If you give people a chance, they will surprise you!

But recently I met this handsome, intelligent Ethiopian guy: I was thrilled to have found someone who is well-read that can  share my culture and weird African superstitions. Everything was going great until he started pulling away because my taste in music does not include fall out boys (come on now: ) or I don’t shop at Karen Millen. But worst of all, he wouldn’t stop bragging about all the beautiful women he dated in the past and how great they all were (all of his Exs are Caucasians). I ended the relationship soon after because of his lack of respect for who I am, especially when it became apparent when he compared me to the white women he dated: it was hurtful for a lot of reasons.

What Guys Want…

I have recently noticed more and more Ethiopian men, like other black men, dating Caucasian females. Either that or I am noticing it more after my breakup. Either way, I was becoming wary and critical of interracial couples and I didn’t like it. So I decided to seek for an outside perspective from my Somali friend who is finishing up her Ph.D. thesis in Africana studies and who has dated outside her race. Her advice, “Men want what they can’t have. Black men could not have white women for the longest time: that’s why you see more black men with white women than the reverse.”

Is my friend right? Does this mean that people don’t always get in to interracial relationships for the right reasons? Do women have to be more unattainable now to get attention?

Possibly Related Posts:


senduQ © All Rights Reserved
Site Admin | Log out | Entries RSS | Comments RSS