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mind entropy of the ethiofrican

FrendshipPLUS: Scrap the Dating Fanfare for a Genuine Connection

5 January, 2012 | No comments | Category: dating, Relationships

 

Dating, Mating, Texting, Sexing, Sexting, Meat marketing.

It’s Wednesday night, you’re waiting for the Qonjit you met at that swanky jazz spot on Friday Night to call you back – she seemed into the music but way more into you. I mean, you were exchanging smoldering looks over that candle while you argued about the origin of jazz and the African roots that seeped in from beats in Blues and Gospel and the Latin beats that also happen to have some African flavor and on and on with the rumble & thump of that jazz bass, low and deep…

On the flip side – in a parallel plane, two Saturday nights ago she got stuck with the friend of a friend who seemed to drop interesting insights about the business scene in Addis, ideas that had sunk into her mind as they caused her to pause and reflect, even squint a little bit and think ‘Hm, he seems interesting!’. But then her friend’s birthday party turned upbeat & as the music came on, it wasn’t just his ideas that were sinking into different parts of her body; causing her to pause and repel! And so it goes — daram paramp pam… the parade of days in Modern day dating. Last month you were fawning over “never gonna call you” and over-analyzing your “Ms/Mr Unavailable,” and in a few weeks you’re the one narrowing your eyes as someone asks you for a dinner as you wonder “will I be leading her/him on if…”
Chaotic Romantic Comedy

At best it feels haphazard, at the most comedic it feels like a pre-set skit complete with stage design, costumes, sound effects and bloopers. Modern-day dating and its tentacles wrapping up your limbs guiding you to act one way or another be it by “The Rules” or according to “The Game” you learned as pearls of wisdom from that “Pick-Up Artist” book. Waiting three days to call? Does he just want to get into your pants? Is she here to enjoy a free meal? Why is it so hard to shrug off that ‘on again/off again’ ex? Did she just downgrade you to the “friend zone”? Do you have to ‘put out’ on the 5th date? Is he interested, or collecting ego notches? Why do all the nice girls like the bad boys? Why are all the hot good guys taken or gay? An on and on and on…

Eventually, even this mass of messes is crumbling and it seems less people than ever are actually “dating” in college campuses but still “hook up” a lot (you might wonder – does the real world reflect college?). And there is countless periodic “the state of marriage” media commentary coming out lately. Lamenting:  Is it obsolete? What’s the point anyway? Well, let the gays have it since they seem to want it more than straights with those 50% (?) divorce rates… And then the fairytale and romantic comedy myths enter; on cue – princesses, villains, happily ever afters all in the midst of a hyper-sexed culture & porn: sex sells, how long has it been since you got laid, booty calls, f**k buddies, friends with benefits…is your head whirling yet? I present to you some of the slush that swirls around in the mind of a young-something modern-day dater.

PLUS

My mind swimming in the depth of this, something hit me amidst my “is there a spark” vs. “he’s such a great guy” battle: in all this hoopla I am totally missing out on getting to know an awesome human being! And that was a big light bulb moment for me because in the long run, as a dater, the current dating dynamic does not serve my purposes at all! *blinks* *wtf* I absolutely love friendships — I mean the real kind that nourish your soul & spirit. A relationship – in my mind – would be an extension of that because all I really want is someone that I’m supremely attracted to & can be intimate with but then can spend a lot of time with & connect with on many other realms; usually the realms for friends but obviously so much more. I mean, I really gotta like you to wanna date you is what it comes down to. In other words, if I don’t want to be your friend, why would I want to date you? Unless – I like you so much that I would want to avoid putting both of us through this chaotic dating process which we might come out of being total strangers who will never speak to each other again under the sun. Oy Vey!

The ironic part is – for the most part – there’s no safe space or way to explore a low key “multifaceted” connection with someone based on who they are as a human because both of us seem to get yanked into some Act 4 Scene 2 of a dating skit and we jump on that carousel of “am I being needy to be texting him 4 times today?” dilemma. I mean seriously?? No really, that’s a serious question… I have much better things to do than wasting time contemplating the lines in this play especially when I won’t even get to access the human being for who he is and form a real kind of connection with him vs. the “alpha male” “nice guy” “successful guy” “funny guy” “mr. mysterious” or whatever persona he’s playing to impress! And all this simply cos we got or will get “physical”? While on the flip side I’m wondering if he’s scheming how to get into my pants? Excuse me while my jaw drops….  *sigh* I realize some might enjoy all of this fanfare but honestly — life’s teeming and so ripe for living and I ain’t particularly interested unless in “building a genuine connection” to let the fanfare mess up my hair or waste my time! I could completely do without all the fan fare and simply build the connection if I had the choice.

Prototype

A few conversations with friends got me thinking… I like the unassuming, casual way that friendships form and build without people having to be ‘on guard’ or ‘on point’ or anything else except fully themselves. And that is the reason the authentic friend connections can build in a natural progression. How awesome would it be if you can get to know a person for who they are without the bells and whistles, without the expectations and constraints and “skits” “soundtracks” etc. In the “get to know you” phase, all of these could be fully suspended with 100% focus on getting to know a person with an understanding that you could become friends, acquaintances, lovers, dating etc. This way we’re not in the “put on” business obsessing about “putting out” while tip toeing around what could “put off” the other person … phew! And in the end you might end up with a connection of some sort rather than a loathsome or loathed ex…

I wanna call it prototype FriendshipPlus — a step to be inserted at the beginning of the process when meeting & greeting. It’s essentially an understanding that the connection could go on to be a friendship, acquaintance & even more awesomely — a dating situation. That is, as long as both people are cognizant, honest and open with no expectations. In the best case scenario, the suspension of expectations and constraints would lower guards, create a safe space and allow a human-to-human connection minus all the crazy fanfare flying around two people courtesy of the dating world. Am I crazy to think this would be awesome??

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A Saturday at the Wharton Africa Business Forum

30 November, 2010 | No comments | Category: Africa, Current Affairs, i.mmigration

by Tse

Setting out on my very first trip to the illustrious city of Philly on a Saturday morning, I had very few ideas about what I will find at the Wharton Africa Business forum.  I imagined it to be a gathering of motivated young Africans and, as someone at the forum put it, Afri-philes gathered to talk about African business. Many great events held in the U.S. focusing on Africa are organized and frequented by people from all walks of life and this demonstrates a heightened level of interest by all in African affairs. But as an African, there is also a special feeling of validation I got from taking part in events like the African Social Enterprise Forum with a large younger African presence, so I was looking forward to WABF. For me personally, there was also the opportunity to hear more about the spreading perception that businesses (read: social enterprises) can work two targets into their bottom lines: profit and social good from an African perspective. As a young professional with a 9-5 job and thus a routine, I also realize the importance of pushing myself by exposing myself to material that challenges me personally, mentally and career-wise. So I was up at 5am and at ‘em driving as the horizon broke into dawn on my right, excited but mostly unaware of the content and great people I would encounter.

WABF did not disappoint on a lot of fronts. There were upwards of 400 professionally attired young graduate students, alumni and business reps filling the meeting rooms leaving little standing space & buzzing the hallway and lobby areas with energetic conversations in between sessions. The attendees, a majority of them African, were highly engaged with the forum and their fellow attendees. I’ll concede a good number of them were business-heads, ivy leaguers, male and Nigerian; Nigerians are everywhere, eh? (said in half-jest because I think I was the only Ethiopian and one of a few Africans from the Horn of Africa present) That said, in spite of any skewed attendance stats, I found most attendees to be open and happy to strike up a conversation and create a connection. Continuing with the lighthearted, the forum featured some great West African food and topped off in classic African fashion with some good African boogie music at a swanky gala and after party in the middle of downtown Philly.

On a more serious note, WABF was probably one of the most professional African events I have seen organized by young people. The conference mostly ran on time and aside from a couple of moderators being a tad loose about directing conversation and one unexciting keynote (I attended one of three keynotes by African business leaders) WABF was a very impressive event. There were almost too many choices for attendees of all business interests happening simultaneously.  The agenda touched on a well balanced number of topics: from private equity, real estate, banking, funding for small and medium enterprises to the growing telecom sector, social enterprise, agribusiness and a conversation about natural resources and even about diaspora moving back to Africa. I was especially impressed by two of the panels I attended: one on Social Enterprise and another on Small and Medium Enterprises (SMEs). Attendees had a focus and eagerness to engage with the people, the forum and the great panelists. The forum also delivered that special opportunity I had hoped for: to meet other Africans motivated to make an impact back home – it feels so good to be reminded how others hold these same aspirations. But even more so, it was inspiring to witness a kind of focus and ready-for-business attitude toward Africa amongst fellow young Africans. It made me feel hopeful about the potential of the continent.

After talking to a couple of people that did not attend the event, I realized that there are probably a good number of people that were not at WABF interested in hearing about some of the discussion at the forum. So I decided to share some content from the two sessions I have relatively better notes from. I was sad to miss the private equity panel so if anyone attended that and can share more information please get in touch with me!

A friendly forewarning: what follows below is an in depth and lengthy write-up of the discussion at the two panels. I hope it is of some use to you and thanks for reading. Until next time…Peaces!

(more…)

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The Graying of these here Pink Shades

6 May, 2010 | 2 comments | Category: love.of.words!, madness!, poetry, thinking...

by tsepeaces

youth
the bright hues and yellow tints of youth
shimmer with a firm naive plumpness
an alluring image behind pink glasses
tints that ripen into a deep maroon red
under an abrupt, certain stare
under the visor where pleasure equals happiness
gorgeous equals flawlessness

grown
confusion and complexity,
blurring against clarity
all was either peachy or rotten
till these glasses started aging
the tints were fading
gloss now crusty and textured
set in white and gray, black and gray
plain eyes find shades in arrays

accents
 a wrinkle, an involving accent
the heavy weight of dark colors hanging
at the bottom edges of eyes where tears hide
& melancholy has a crackling of pleasure
for the sweetest memories inflict mourning torture

love
eyes behold a black hole we fall into
in love
while they’re also the pools
below the highest cliffs we soar from…
in this same thing called, love

everything
in this reality everything begets everything,
each pit contains a darker or lighter version of itself
love breeds love
while hurt only gives birth to still more hurt

light perception
life’s quirks lay in the angles,
of how we perceive reality than actualities
harnessing reality through the circle of thoughts
creation in the choice of one’s spotlight

imperfect
at the onset of the graying of these pink shades
the know-it-all meets humility
in the mystery of the skies
eyes fixate on imperfection daze
humility, brokenly endearing
scars, badges of lessons learned
love, the art of letting go and holding tight
freedom, void without duty & security
courage, enough to risk breaking
bravery, a leap off the highest hills
fear the only thing to be feared
besides indecision paralysis, waiting, pain

paradox
where paradox carries the realest truth
and reason can be simply foolish
where intuition and love mark the shine at the edge of life
life purely for the sake of itself

art
the surest artform
coming alive
of contrasts, shades, hues,
emotions, choices, mystery, danger
& insanely delightfully enough even…magic

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When I’m Back

16 April, 2010 | 23 comments | Category: Africa, I.dentity, i.mmigration, nation & ethnicity, nostalgia.personal, Senduq - E!

by E!

It is now 12:07 AM. I just had a brief conversation with tsepeaces and another Berkye SenduQawit. I managed to get out of the conversation in time for me to wash the dishes my friend and I used. Poor fellow had to eat a vegan dinner because I am fasting. I know I am not supposed to brag about lent, especially not announce it on a BLOG that is getting hot by the minute. UMMM but opportunities like this arise very rarely in my side of town.  May be my deacon friend will actually make note of the fact that I am fasting and inform Abba (of course with out my consent) and may be, Abba will reduce my segdet from 75 to 45 for the coming Fasika and the next few Fasikas I will actually spend in this town.

I have a vague suspicion that I am a hot commodity in the virtual world, because everyone wants to hear my stories from home. After all, what is better than a friend who just arrived from Addis Ababa? Of course it’s a bonus, if the friend came with teff injera and she updates you about so and so’s wedding while you take a huge gorsha of teff ingera with WZO X’s ebed yale key wet? Errre I should not have such HODE-related ideas in the first week of tsome (My deacon friend decrees such thoughts at this time of the year).

It has also become Ye Addebabye Mistere that I have very weak resistance le addis ababa goremsoch…and hence (I assume that she assumed) my three weeks stay would be full of drama. Well, Not Really. Mr. S has done un-repairable damage to my dating appetite. And besides, STD rates are on the rise eytebale yeweral. Of course, the person who gave me this info is a major ye’addis ababa dureye and he even challenged me to disprove this hypothesis. He said,  “as an aspiring scientist you should do a practical hypothesis testing”. Imagine my surprise when I heard this from Elem yale dureye negAde ….what y’know about hypothesis testing and scientific research? The hypothesis still remains untested…anyways we should move on, after all this is a well-respected blog. There are still some who constantly mistake ME for chewa & anget defi so let me not ruin their presumption.

I wanted to go home desperately because I wanted to confirm that home still exists.  As much as I love and appreciate my life here, I feel as if something is missing (May be something or someone is actually missing but that by itself calls for another entry). I have this nagging feeling of emptiness. I constantly reminded my self that my life here is temporary, I should not get too comfortable here because this is not home. Ethiopia is home. Or is it not? I had three weeks to find out.

When I arrived at the Bole International airport my mom was the first person I saw, she was holding a gorgeous bouquet of flowers.  She did not see me until I was steps away from her. The expression on her face when she saw me was priceless. I realized how much I have missed my mom when I saw her with flowers in her hands, lost in deep thought. My mother looked so much darker than I remembered, it has been two years since I last saw her, but within those two years, my mother has aged rapidly. She still looks very young for her age, but she has changed considerably.

The three weeks went by so fast and we were once again at the Bole international airport, this time at the departure section. I managed to send my luggage and I went to the airport café where my parents and brother were waiting. We sat in the café for a while until my brother finally rose from his chair and announced that it was time. It was past mid night and both my parents looked very exhausted. I knew another Goodbye was imminent.  I gave each one of them a hug, and watched my father and brother escort my mom who was sobbing quietly.

I arrived at the airport in my city on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I quickly collected my luggage, and left the arrival section. There was no one waiting for me at the airport. There were no flowers, kisses or hugs, not even a handshake. My heart sunk a bit lower with this realization, but I was nonetheless happy to be “home”. My apartment looked much bigger, sunnier and cleaner than I remembered. I realized how much I have missed its coziness, quietness and spaciousness. I went out and bought a calling card to tell my parents that I have arrived safely. I called a few friends to let them know that I am in town. I unpacked, took a hot long bath and then went out on my balcony and drew in a lung full of crisp winter air….euffoy and oddly enough it felt good to be back.

I was not able to permanently address this “empty” feeling, that I always had since I set a foot in North America. But I was able to understand why I constantly have that feeling. This “empty” feeling is due to lack of genuine love, attention and laughter I took for granted in Ethiopia. Over the seven years I have been here, besides a few good friends I have been all-alone. It is a dangerous realization but with all honesty, very few people would notice if I went missing or dead. So, this “constant feeling of emptiness” is also known to many as “loneliness”.

I have been back from my trip for over a month. I have now made peace with “loneliness” and we have made unwritten convention that it will occupy a small corner in my life. It will NOT take over completely; make me move to another city or date un-dateable guys. I will NOT deny its existence. “Loneliness” and me shook hands and sealed the deal, with out shemagelas, eyewitnesses or lawyers. I looked at a framed picture of my parents for approval. They smiled, so I guessed they also approve.

My trip has given me an opportunity to re-connect with family and friends. I especially had a fabulous time with my cousin with whom I shared great childhood memories. He was drifting away from my life and it felt righteous to place him back in my life (and this time permanently). It was also nice to see how some of my friends have become so successful and dedicated to their careers. Since most people do not work for more than a few hours a day, it was refreshing to see such commitment and persistence. I had an opportunity to go to ANde Yemengist mesribete to get some paper work done and we had to go multiple times during office hours to get very simple and basic service. There are lots of incompetent and lazy people and they demand loads of patience.

I closed my eyes and thought about my mother deep in thought, holding the beautiful bouquet. Another thought came, my parents, brother and I at the airport café. Sandwiched between the two, I had unbelievably beautiful time. It was a fabulous vacation and it made me realize that I am lonely but also happy here. I can handle loneliness. Surely, I have developed a thick skin over the course of seven years – I have lived alone after all. I also love the life I have created for myself here; I am in a setting that challenges me intellectually and emotionally. I have chosen this life for me and I must live it unapologetically. But yes, Ethiopia also has a room for me and I can go back to it whenever I am ready. For now though, “loneliness” and I will coexist.

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The Uncomfortable Truth: Nneka

4 March, 2010 | 41 comments | Category: Africa, for.the.love.of.words!, musiqa, nation & ethnicity, peace & conflict

Simple Star!

photography and article by  Fabay

I’m so glad I came across Nneka in 2009.  I was instantly in love with her music when I heard the song “Africans”. I was so impressed to see a young intelligent woman who was born and raised in Africa urging fellow Africans to focus on constructive solutions through her art. Nneka dares to point out that it is no longer acceptable for us to exclusively blame colonial powers for the conflict, death, injustice, poverty, exploitation, and corruption that exists in Africa.  She urges Africans to take proactive roles  in designing and implementing reform.  She sings “you keep pushing the blame on our colonial fathers … it’s up to us (Africans) to gain some recognition.. If we stop blaming we could get a better condition.” Nneka’s genuine message of love, awareness, and her call for action is what attracted me.  She encourages the African Diaspora to become active stakeholders, take responsibility, and invest their time, resources, and expertise in Africa’s development.  She pleads “you got to wake up, please youuuuu got tooo“.

I applaud Nneka for using her talent to share a powerful message.  She is among  a group of new and rising African artists who give voice to Africa’s new generation. Her music is a medley of sounds, words, and beats morphing and blending with an alluring audacity.  Her songs are loaded with moral and biblical references as she reflects on her life in Nigeria and Germany. She touches on issues of capitalism, poverty, war, corruption, and individual and government accountability.

“There are many of us, Africans, black people that leave Africa for a while go abroad, study etc. and instead of going back home to do something they stay,  go overseas and make themselves comfortable. What I am really trying to stress here is that we all carry responsibility. There is so much we can do. If we come overseas to study and learn, it isn’t for no reason because God has given me that opportunity to do so. And I believe if I would have not stepped out of Nigera for a while I would not have been able to do what I am doing right now. And now that I have to chance to go back home and do something, why not do it?” ~ Nneka

Get a taste of her music: The Uncomfortable Truth

 

From her newly released American Album “Concrete Jungle”: Focus

 

When I found out Nneka was performing at Vinyl Atlanta on February 9th, 2010, I was ecstatic.  I wanted to experience her energy in person.  I wasn’t disappointed; her performance was filled with powerful messages and humor.  Below are some pictures from her show at the Vinyl in Atlanta.

I left the concert feeling a longing for my Ethiopia.  Her concert sparked a feeling of homesickness because every verse of her music was for my continent, my people, my leaders, and for me.  Even though I was not Nigerian, I felt I could relate, empathize with every word and feeling she was expressing on stage.  My love for the continent is beyond what words can express.  I didn’t know how much I loved it until I left it behind.  How do you feel when you see injustice and lack of resource killing your people?  What do you do when the current status of your country breaks your heart but you can’t stop loving it? What do you know of the ache of being away for over a decade and not being able to go home to visit your family?  What do you do when you feel powerless?  As I patiently wait to set foot on my native soil, go back to a land where my heart is bound, when the journey seems so far away, I will listen to songs by two of my favorite African musicians who speak for me: Nneka “God of Mercy” and Knaan’s “TIA: This is Africa”.

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